I’m trying to fill the void with food

Hi, my name is Lena, and I suffer from bulimia for over 10 years. I’m trying to gather my thoughts and express what it feels like for a very long time. But only now I feel that I’m ready to sort out everything that is stashed inside of me, so here I go.

My first memory ever which is connected to food comes from my kindergarten age. In Russia, we have a tradition to bring candies for the kids in your group for your birthday. That time, my mother bought a bunch of candies and put them in the kitchen cabinet. Later that day, I ate these candies — half or all of them, I don’t remember. When my mother found out, she yelled at me that I shouldn’t have done it, and now we have no candies for the kids. That is the end of my memory.

I carry this episode with me my whole life because it was one of the first strongest burst of shame I felt in my life. Many years later, my psychotherapist explained to me that my mother wasn’t right when she got angry with me because I didn’t have an intention to do anything wrong, I didn’t want to leave the kids without sweets or make her spend more money on other candies, — I just wanted to eat some candies because I liked its taste and it was a rare thing in our house since we didn’t have much money when I was a kid. I learned something that day.

I learned that whenever I feel satisfaction, it means that I’m bad. That I did a wrong thing. That I shouldn’t do what I want, or I must feel ashamed even if I didn’t have wrong instensions. This subconscious pattern made a void inside which I’m trying to fill with food, but the pleasure brings more pain. I became addicted to food but it is never enough no matter how much I eat because it’s not the right way to resolve the void. But the right way is still to be found.